The "no" part is that, hearing us tell you that about carrots and pH does NOT mean you now have to get in that minivan and drive to Home Hardware or Royal City Nursery or The Home Despot for a Pearlite shaker can (also plastic, 6.99$) of "liming conditioner" and then try to figure out how much to mix in and when, and oh boy what an unfun time it is now to be an avid carrot grower! You veer close to giving up and buying a bag at No Frills.


 You, dear dear human gardening person, with calcium in the bones and teeth, live on a million-year old limestone aquaducts, dolomitic layered into fabulous slabs of pale grey-white carveable rock out of which all those swanky gorgeous downtown buildings like the Albion were made. Whooweee.

 So take a deep breath and go to the kitchen to make yourself a cup of tea. Or coffee with your Nestecafe rig. Fill that kettle with beautiful tasty potable HARD water from the Arkell springs. Hard water, hey? Jeepers it's hard on the pipes. And look at that CALCIUM BUILD-UP in your reliable little kettle. Hmmmmmm. Time to get in the minivan and drive to Walmart and buy some "Kettle Descaling Solution" (8.99$ at Walmart or 12.99 if you have a Keurig) in that plastic throw-out-y bottle? Or maybe you can get a whole "Descaling Kit" and do the toilet too (83.002$ from Wayfair and comes with gloves and a plastic scraper?).


 Get out a spoon and start scraping. Scrape it down from the sides. Poke at those holes thatare covered over with white hard lime. Scrape scrape scrape. Look at those white flakes and powder swirl down into the water.

Put your hands right into it, and with your opposable thumb and index finger, squish the chunks. They are soft! They break down into soft clay-like powder that makes the kettle water milky. Keep scraping and squishing.

Friends: you have just cleaned your kettle. DIY high five!

Friends: now go outside, with said kettle in hand, and water your goddamned little carrot patch.

Friends: you have just "sweetened" your soil. Whoot whoot.

Friends of the earth: It has not involved plastic or driving your car or going on the internet for the 78th time in a day.

Friends of the Carrot World: They are now happy as hell and, so will you be, and your human bones, when you eat them. They will be SWEET. And all that beautiful calcium that you offered them as a gift from the Arkell springs, from the ancient limestone ocean floor of the Jurassic epoch, will be absorbed through your miraculous stomach and guts and find its way to your bones. The bones of your children. Then, when we humans turn into compost, there it all goes back into the good bones of the Earth. Sweetness. Maybe that is what "sweetening the soil" means. I think the ancestors are laughing at us for taking so long to figure it out. We love you, Earth. We are a part of you. We always have been and will always be. (We just forget sometimes, how much)

Signed, The Art of Soil Collective.

PS See how you didn't need to get in your minivan and drive to Rexall or Shoppers Drug Mart to buy calcium supplements? (Centrum 18.99$ in plastic useless bottle, or Tums chewables (2.99$ taste like shit) or the "natural" kind from AlgaeCal for 89.99$, also in bad bottle that will gostraight to the landfill).